Rally To Restore Sanity and (not) Fear Worked for Me!

I have to say I was pretty excited Saturday watching the telecast on Comedy Central for Jon Stewart's Rally. And I was wowed by the size of the crowd and glad that somewhere Glenn Beck is crying. I thought Kid Rock did so-so and Sheryl Crow - whom I really do like normally - didn't know the song. And that Bruce Springsteen should have been there instead. Or Prince. Or Styx, or anybody but Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. But the bit with Yusuf and Ozzy - pretty funny. And wowed again by the O Jays. Yes, the Love Train is one we all can ride. PK Winsome's bit was tragically long and unfunny. The Mythbusters made great points.  And Sam Waterston RULED. And Tony Bennett was beautifully in fine form.

But it was all a 3 hour warm up for speech by Jon Stewart that achieved its purpose. I could have listened to Jon talk all afternoon. He is just so - so - reasonable. Funny, yes, but more than that, he does speak for more Americans right now. The silent majority isn't really silent you know, they are just being shouted down by the crazies. Thank you, Jon Stewart. Keep up the good work.

P.S.  - I'm going to vote tomorrow. I haven't found that my lefty vote really matters here in Dallas TX. But I occasionally vote for a republican that makes sense. But in the governor's race here - Mr. Perry needs to take a hike. I'm just not sure about that other guy.

Super-Yachts from Stem to Stern Culture: vanityfair.com

Super-Yachts from Stem to Stern Culture: vanityfair.com

Aahhhhh!!! the life....

 Courtesy of Vanity Fair: As of now, Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich’s Eclipse is the biggest yacht in the world, beating the Sheikh of Dubai’s Dubai by at least 18 inches. © Michael Meyer/Action Press/Zuma Press.

success!!!

managed to get these two things hooked up! - so testing testing 123...

Happy Birthday Robert Daniel

Happy Birthday, Robert Daniel, where ever you are...

Bishop Jackson's opinion piece on CNN - a response

OK- here's another one of those things where I read it and then responded. But I wanted to keep it here, so for posterity's sake here it. 

While the bishop supposedly cites some scientific studies to back up his opinion, I think he read them wrong and left a few out. How about the study that says 52% of heterosexual marriages end in divorce. And of the 48% left, another 15% would like to be divorced or are already separated. How about the fact that gay co...uples who raise children by any means, tend to stay married and their children do better in schools? I cannot possibly believe that the nuclear family unit is threatened by anything more than the economy that does not allow at least one parent to be the stay-at-home parent or for them to trade off. The economy has been hugely responsible for the separation of families in the majority of circumstances. And my own personal experience is that maybe a quarter of any one I know is close to their blood relatives. Most consider their friends closer and more reliable than their families. So how about legal recognition of those family units? Whether sex is involved or not, the raising of children to a successful end takes far more than the heterosexual union that produced them. My conclusion would be that any committed partners in raising a family are good, when committed. And how they have sex has little bearing on that fact. And for Diggit's benefit - I'm not gay.
(Diggit posited earlier on the comments that most of the commenters on CNN's site for this article are "gays")

READ this: Freedom isn't free - it just isn't....

READ this: The police won't arrive suddenly - it's already here, so subtly done to ourselves...

Why?

Re: Saiqa Akhter murdering her two children...I can't get my head around this crime. I believe there really are demons among us now walking the earth and making weak human beings do crazy things. I'm starting to believe the TV show Supernatural is a documentary of sorts. (ok -not really but sheesh!)
I cannot imagine what the father is going through. I can only pray for wisdom to understand and to forgive. Here is the full length 911 Call from Monday July 19th.

Hey YOU! - Up there, in the sky if you are, WTF!? This is why it's easier to believe in demons than a benevolent GOD... Where are you?

In Memoriam...To Carmen

Today is the first anniversary of my sister's passing. That feeling has not passed at all for me. But it's easier to bear. Tomorrow will be the first anniversary of the passing of feeling and functionality in my left hand. I cut it accidentally smashing a coffee cup in anger, despair and grief. These two things are linked forever. I feel like it was a larger-than-life conspiracy, the benumbing of Me. One more part went numb, died, became less somehow. Part of it was in my heart. I didn't have much family left. And now it's less. Part of the loss was my own creativity. I was left-handed. I could sew and craft and crochet and deal cards and write to my sister. In some ways, I think-I know- I did not write her often enough. I felt guilty then and even more so now. Her life was hard. My life was hard. She wanted me to tell her how hard my life was cause it would make her feel better about her own. I selfishly refused, because I couldn't stand it that I couldn't really help her at all and comparing our woes only made me feel worse. This same guilt makes it very hard to speak to her grown daughters. But I don't think they miss me really. They always treated me with respect, but not affection, really. My sister was a good person but not a great mother... I was uncomfortable being viewed as a "better" anything than Carmen. My kids aren't perfect and they certainly aren't where I had hoped they would be by now, but they are ok, safe and still speak to me occasionally, mostly with affection and loyalty. And her children were the same, ever loyal. This taught me that it did not matter who was better at maintaining appearances, but that she spent a large part of our time making me feel uncomfortable on a false and undeserved pedestal. I am good person and do not know yet if I was a great mother. I was a good mom, but not always right, which seem to confuse and anger my grown children when I admitted it and let them in on the secret that I was only, alas!, human, after all.

So I lost my sister and the hand I would have held her close to me with. The hand translates most tactile sensations as pain or nothing. My heart translates the memory of my sister into a selfish barrage of pain alternating with numbness. It has been a year.

My daughter wants commemorate this day somehow. I am at a loss to explain to her, that I am beginning to appreciate the numbness much more than the pain now. But I need to do something for her. How did love and guilt become so closely entwined in us? It must be genetic.
We will have dinner together tonight, Megan and I. Play some cards. Cry a little, probably. Hopefully not argue. I don't want her to feel guilty. I want to help her get some closure. But it's hard for me to open up enough to close anything. I was wallowing in the numb.

Mostly I want to send this message out on the air to my nieces, Lisa Grace and Lauren Elizabeth...I do love you. I do miss your mom, my sister. And I wish you all the best. To my sister, wherever you are, I hope it's peaceful.

MSNBC Panel discusses Wikileaks.org's "Collateral Murder" Video - Part 1

I watched the full video here.
I cannot fathom how 2 journalists with camera bags and the small group of people with them, were identified as threats with "hostile intent". The two people I could see with rifles, had them shouldered and pointing down, not in an overtly threatening-to-shoot position. I never saw a RPG, I believe it was a longish camera lens for 3 reasons: a) though it's a grainy video, the object has light and dark stripes much typical sport or telephoto lenses. b) it's too short to be an RPG tube. And c) If it was an RPG tube, it wasn't loaded and so again, not immediately threatening.

I concur that these may very well be war crimes and the enactors should tried on those grounds.

I also find it quite sad that our troops, such as those doing the shooting that day are temporarily brainwashed into this blase'-yet-gung-ho-kill-em-all-rack-up-a-good-score attitude. I also find it not surprising that as these soldiers come home, there seems to be a trend of large numbers of PTSD diagnoses, suicides, etc. I'm starting to think that a fraction of PTSD, is actually morality setting in, or guilty consciences.

I'm not blaming the troops per say, they are expected to follow orders, etc. But I do believe they are responsible for their own actions and inability to express moral objections over inappropriate actions. Most have been subject to a public school system that supports the pack mentality. which works great for animals. This does not so work so well for humans given to hindsight and reflection. Thus, the high numbers suicides and PTSD claims.

General McChrystal's folly

This is my response to this op-ed piece on CNN by Frances Fragos Townsend on CNN ( whose article begins with an Editors' Note ("Frances Fragos Townsend, a CNN contributor on national security issues, was President George W. Bush's chief anti-terrorism and homeland security adviser. She is a partner in the law firm of Baker Botts LLP, a member of the Council on Foreign Relations and a consultant for Raytheon, a component manufacturer for drones used by the U.S. military in Afghanistan" - nothing suspicious about HER background,huh?):

It's admirable to watch the general take responsibility for his and his staff's comments. But shouldering responsibility means just that. Like it's admirable to volunteer for the Red Cross, but if ya don't show up, filling out the volunteer sign up sheet doesn't really mean anything. Insubordination is well defined across the branches of service in Article 88 of the UMCJ, and it has definitely been committed here to some degree. Did he think that Rolling Stone was not going to print that? Surely he had enough sense to get the gist of what reporter Mike Hastings was going to write before publishing it? Oh yeah-the General's pitiful PR guy already got fired. blah blah blah...

Ms. Townsend, wrote "...Every day he is surrounded by an enemy plotting to kill Americans in Afghanistan ..." Well, ma'am, I can solve this - **Get out of Afghanistan**. Period. We do not need it, nor do they want our COIN (COunterINsurgency stategy - euphemism for nation-building or American conquest - if you will)!!!
Let them be. They just want us out of their lands.
Ask their permission to hunt for Osama Bin Laden/Taliban/Al-Quaeda if you must, but do we really need 340,000 people to do that? Can't a wiseguy from Jersey get this done? Where is Tony Soprano when you need him? Or maybe a ninja assassin or three?

Come home Troops and defend the US! This nation-building COIN crud is an expensive and foolish measure altogether.
-havoth (disgusted at how this took our eye off the Gulf Disaster)

NO Ethnic Studies?...Thoughts On the Anti Mexican Movement in AZ

Havoth's Thoughts on the Anti-Mexican Movement that seems to have overtaken Arizona: My message to those of Mexican descent or immigration: Leave Arizona. Let them mow their own lawns, take care of their own children, teach their own children, police their own crap. Remember the movie "A Day Without a Mexican"??? Leave, for a week or two or even three! They'll be changing their minds so quick it'll make your head spin! If you are Mexican and crossing the border illegally, cross somewhere else. I'd prefer you cross legally, but if you're coming over, don't come to Arizona and work in the kitchens, or anywhere else. The anti-brown policies in this country has got to stop, but then again Mexico needs to be a better country so it's best and brightest quit slipping over here. Stay in Mexico if that's your country and make it better. But if you are coming here legally, don't stop in AZ. Move on and let them deal with their own problems til they beg you to come back. I know the history...but this is now and that was then. Shame on Arizona and it's governor.

And Ofelia, wherever you are in Nogales, AZ, I know you are Mexican born here, but I remember when your prejudice of Obama because he's half black, made me uncomfortable with your racist remarks and apparent self-loathing for your own ethnicity. This is what that kind of racism gets you...only now-Dios mio! - you are the target, you and your children, who can't change what they look like to get a fair shake.

My thoughts on the Times Square Bomber

We'll see how off I am eventually...But I wrote this on CNN in response to the coverage of this story there and partly in response to some of the commenters calling for the death penalty for his crimes...I think there is an almost mysterious lack of mention about his wife and kids. I think they went to Pakistan in July 09 and were threatened and/or kidnapped until he agreed to do this thing. I think that's he messed up the bomb and it didn't go off. I think it's why he "planned" a "bomb" that wouldn't do much damage if it did go off. I think his wife and childrens' lives are now forfeit or worse and that's why he confessed so quickly and waived rights to an attorney etc. And I think the rednecks and xenophobes of the world need to wake up.

Health Care as explained by my hero

Let me get this straight......we're trying to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it, to be signed by a president that also hasn't read it and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke.

What the hell could possibly go wrong????

Just to let ya know...

I'm doing ok in my work... all that angst in December has paid off. Work isn't always steady but bills are being paid by the swet of my brow. Thanks to all those who support me in spirit...

I'm doing much better personally too. With Spring comes new ideas and new energy to see them through!

love ya

When Death Overcomes Politeness

Force Marie Jacmel from Ciné Institute on Vimeo.

I personally wish I could be there to help. I remember a recent email exchange with a friend about the plight of Detroit, MI and it's unclaimed dead, sitting in a freezer at the morgue, waiting for the 2010 budget year to start so they could bury or cremate the unclaimed remains of the poor or homeless. They had around 70 bodies at the time of the article, and I thought gee- how terrible...This massive disaster certainly brings a whole new perspective on the matter of unclaimed dead...but I really wish they would/could do what Sri Lanka and China did, take a photo of those they are burying so that someone may be able to find out if their friends and relatives are really gone instead of burying them in mass graves without even counting the bodies. Even spray paint or mark the area with a number of bodies or the names of who buried them.

Perhaps mass deaths in a warm climate on this scale just suppresses a normal "let's-give-them-closure" response. I do not know. But the Cine' Institute of film students in Haiti, have done a great job so far of trying to record this as it happens in their country.

My prayers go out to the Haitian people who marched and sang on the streets immediately following the disaster - Que Belle Spirit!!

Hate will be the destruction of us all

http://www.splcenter.org/blog/2010/01/14/haitian-catastrophe-for-racists-a-good-laugh/

 

This is so sad, but expected…Why do people hate so much? The interview with Pat Robertson saying the Haitians made a pact with the Devil and are now reaping their just rewards…well, that’s why so many good people refuse to call themselves Christians, so they’re not associated with people like Pat Robertson. For shame…

 

Heavenly Father – if you are listening…blow the wind of understanding into their hearts…and if that doesn’t work, well then you have the final say…

I pray for the Haitians who didn’t have much to begin with and have lost even that.

 

Kari Bunch

 “Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; & suddenly you are doing the impossible.” St. Francis of Assisi

 

Happy Friggin New Year 2010!

I don't know what else to say...I beg for a new leaf, a new sense of direction, a new anything that brings me out of this quagmire of shut-in-ness (MySpace, Facebook etc.) and ability to close myself up so that I wasn't missed in presence exactly in real life (as opposed to Second Life). All I get is a number I will have to remind myself to type over and over on all things accountive til February.
buh-bye 2009 - you will not be missed.
I have that same horror-filled dread feeling I had in the 80's when I never knew if Reagan WAS gonna push THE BUTTON and start WWIII. Only now it's not Russians I have to be afraid of, it's my fellow citizens.
As Robin Williams said in his recent HBO special, we've not to fear Big Brother, only the Little Snitches of everyone armed with a fucking camera phone.

How long before I am in complete ruin, financially? Actually, it's now. I own nothing but a 8 year old car, thank the Goddess - it's a Honda. I need $100 worth of medicine to live and only have $100. Sounds good til you count in the utuilites, due Jan 6th of course - or food. No savings, but I have a life insurance policy. Whoot!

I am hopeful however, that the new year will bring more bidness to me if I can get over my agoraphobia of the little snitches and my own depression that I wish not to inflict upon anyone. I wish those who do live with me would get out (think Amityville Horror!)so I can avoid any further guilt of infliction of not being able to support them. I love them but I can no longer hold them up. I know it, yet I've pulled off so many miracles in the past, they think it's the norm for me. FAWK!!!

Money is not my happiness, but I could use enough to live simply on, and I'll do your books for you - please adopt me!

2010 will bring other major disasters and miracles that I would like to participate in - if I could pull my head out of my own pitiful situation. I look forward to Obama surviving another year. I hope he stops bending to Bush policies that seem to have held him up form his campaign promises of ending a 5 front war. I hope I don't have to fly anywhere, because with this "underwear bomber" - what I predicted in 2003 is going to come true: we are going to have to fly naked. With no luggage. I knew it was only a matter of time.

Love you. Because--I Havoth and you're not!

Rule of Thumb

In my Prius...Well...someday maybe...

I just thought this was just too cute, too hip...Have a Great Day!

I miss my left hand...

Dear Gentle reader: (I'm not sure if this phrase is trademarked or not, but I like to think my few readers are gentle...)

I miss my left hand. I miss the reliability of being able to type. But what is peculiar, is that I miss the things I used to do with it that I haven't done in a very long time; like sew, embroider, crochet,lace net darning, and other web-weaving skills I know. I can't really play guitar or piano well, but I always was very good at creating interesting melodies and haunting chords on both. When my hand gets better, well, I promise to take guitar lessons for real. In case this online bookkeeping and software support thing wears off in novelty and/or paychecks.

Oh my- you may not know what happened to my hand! Well, the night after my sister passed away, in grief and anger I swatted some dishes off my counter, and in the process, I punctured the palm of my left hand with the newly broken handle of my favorite coffee cup from White Castle. I'm talking about my left hand - the one I normally write with and is wholly responsible for the tab and CAPlock keys, which is extremely handy in my line of work.

I didn't simply puncture or cut it, no, I had managed to cut an artery in 2 places, destroy the median nerve juncture and sliced or partially sliced 3 of its branches, and the flexor tendons of my index finger and thumb(in part and/or in total). The cut was barely 3/4 inch long but nearly an inch deep. Apparently, I had hit a glass so hard that it broke off the handle of the cup and my swat-swing had such follow through, that the now broken, twisted, shard-knife of a handle, did all of that damage in the blink of an eye. I didn't even feel it. I was embarassed by my lack of control that for about 45 seconds ir so, I stood there, head tilted back, hands at my sides, trying to breathe through this grief/anger, brought on by a petty argument with my grown daughter. I had no idea for almost a minute that I was bleeding to death onto the floor. My daughter was disgusted with my temper and though she saw the blood, she left in all the disgust and huffiness of a 22 year old, who also couldn't face death or mourning. We both have come to terms with this and forgiven each other since.

However, my son (21 yrs old) came into the kitchen and made me aware that I was flooding the entire kitchen (all 30 sq ft if it) in my blood. It was quite a pumper and he saved my life I suppose, for I was in a kind of shock and not willing to realize what I'd done was serious, or just too sad to care at that moment. He got my companion, Randy and they took me to the hospital ER to get treatment.

This is where the true saga begins. Throughout it all, my friend Randy was in the room for all of these visits described below, except at Presbyterian, where only my son Alex was with me. So I do have witnesses.

At the ER of Presbyterian Dallas (it was the closest, and I really was bleeding quite badly), they got the bleeding stopped, and sewed my artery shut, but even after I and my son asked the pretty lady doctor about tendons and/or nerve damage, she said, "No, no tendons are cut, but maybe there might be some minor nerve damage." I asked her twice if she wanted to test for tendon cuts or damage and she declined, albeit, politely. I told her that my thumb and forefinger felt very strange and she asked me to wiggle my fingers. My other three fingers were unaffected, but it was clear to me that my index finger and thumb were damaged in some way. I said, "Look, they aren't moving at all and I can't feel them properly!?", to which she said, "I saw them move and they'll be fine. But you may want to have a hand surgeon look at it after you get back from Ky and to take the stitches out next week."

As if it was not urgent. I had volunteered in surgery at the world-famous Hand Hall surgery at Jewish Hospital for 6 years as a teen, and I had had tendon surgery years before back home in Louisville KY at Jewish Hospital, more than once in my late teens, so I knew what a real tendon examination looked like. Now I had explained throughout this visit that I was preparing to go to my only sister's funeral later that morning (it was 3 a.m. when we left the hospital), but that if tendons were cut, I could wait or not attend. My sister was being cremated, and I'm sure they would have given me a few extra days if needed to get there (I was driving from Texas to Kentucky). I know it's my sister and I loved her dearly, but I knew that if tendons are cut, you could possibly be damaged for life. Nerve damage is usually given some time before any surgery is performed so it's not quite as urgent as tendon damage but much more painful. Tendon injuries are also very painful, but that nerve thing - wow.

Ok, now keep in mind, I don't have health insurance. They are not motivated at all to do anything beyond stopping me from bleeding to death, but I have a sneaky suspicion if I had Blue Cross, they would have taken steps to prevent permanent damage to the hand of a woman who works for herself on the keyboard as a software analyst and bookkeper. But not without the health insurance. It seems like to me that if I had no health insurance more care would have been taken to prevent me from becoming a welfare case, and instead, caring for the long-term effects, and allowing me to find some way of repaying them. But that is certainly not the focus of care for the uninsured. Treat 'em and street 'em. That's what we have. If you have no insurance then your long term prognosis is not an issue. Or that you may be a positive contributing member of society and could be waylaid by such an injury, and become - in a worst case scenario - the very sort of homeless, unemployed blood-sucking leech that "they" hate treating. If I had insurance, I'm certain that I would have been examined further, and all that damage would have been seen, and treated right away.

How do I know this? Because, while I was in extraordinary pain and truly suffered all the way through my sister's funeral, and while I was in Louisville KY, my hand turned blue, the pain became unbelievably unbearable despite the token amount of darvocet I'd received, and on the advice of a physician friend of my uncle's, on Tuesday, July 21st, I was seen at Jewish Hospital Hand ER. Yep, that's right, an ER just for hand injuries. Nobody better at hand injuries in the whole country. World class surgeons. And they were shocked that the tendons cut were missed by the ER staff physician at Presby Dallas. And they said I should have this operated on in the next 72 hours or the possibilty of loss of use was about 90% certain. They offered to schedule this surgery for the next morning, and we'd work out how I was to pay for it later. They were very concerned that the tendon damage was severe and that the arterial flow of blood had been compromised in some way.

The caveat was that they would require a committment from me that I would stay in Louisville for 8-10 weeks of post-op care as they did not feel comfortable with someone else handling that part. They did not care that my blood pressure was a little high (they'd treat that symptomatically for the duration) or that I was still a smoker despite my recent efforts to quit. In fact, while he recommended that I quit as soon as I was able to give the nerves a better healing factor, that this wasn't an obstacle to my surgery, either. And I admitted to them, that I suspected my blood sugars were no longer being controlled by diet, but had not taken the money to go get that treated either as if yet, and he said they'd deal with that too, if it was a problem. In other words, all I had to do was agree to stay there for 2+ months. I have never regretted a health decision like this in my life. But I chose to leave anyway.

I was in a rental car (my car had no A/C, I couldn't afford to get it fixed) and the logistics of staying in Louisville were all too overwhelming for me to accept in 20 minutes or less. So, I opted to go home to Dallas. Jewish wrote up a diagnosis and gave me my X-rays, a nice splint, and a small prescription for more darvocet (enough to get me home and seen, they thought, left the stitches I had in place, and I left, thinking I could find the right kind of surgeon in Dallas. After all, it's not exactly a podunk township, it's a major metropolitan area, right? But Jewish could not recommend one surgeon for me to see. They explained to me in detail what kind of surgeon I'd need, and what kind of surgery I could expect, but they could not recommend anyone. They'd never heard of that kind of surgeon in Dallas. With great misgivings, I left for home. I am afraid I will regret this decision for the rest of my life now. I turned down world class surgeons for the mess I'm in now.

I came home and called the 'hand' surgeon on my discharge sheet from Presby Dallas, Dr H. Boulas. He was quite frank with me. Honest but brutal. Funny, cause I'd seen him last year when I'd had insurance for a sprained wrist and shoulder, so I wasn't a new or unknown patient, yet now I couldn't receive his services. Without insurance or as his receptioniist put it, "several thousand dollars, up front," he would not consider it. I asked him about removing the stitches. She relayed my question and came back with a flat no. My physician friend in Ky was quite concerned about a possible infection from the stitches being in so long but they were not. I asked Dr. Boulas' receptionist what my options were, and she said UT Southwestern Medical school. She gave me a number. I called it and after much waiting I was finally able to speak to a receptionist, who took in the entire story and medical history and then explained to me that they only have one hand surgeon, and she was booked until September. And she then said, if you don't have insurance anyway, it won't matter, you'd still have to go to Parkland (the county hospital). Through the ER. ~shudder~

So I went to the ER at Parkland Hospital Dallas on Friday, July 24. I had run out of the darvocet Jewish had given me (15) the day before. So in agony (nerve damage is really, really painful), I waited. 10 hours later, at 6 p.m., someone came out to the waiting room, and took me to get X-rays. I explained I didn't need additional X-rays, I'd brought mine that were less than 3 days old, and there were no bones broken. They said I have to get them here anyway, they wouldn't use mine. I just thought, "I'm gonna have to pay for these too, even though there was no need for them."

Turned out later that they didn't even use those X-rays, the doctors used mine after all, cause they were with me in the room when I was finally seen at 10 p.m. Now it was Friday night, and I was being put behind all the gunshots, car accidents and drug ODs by then, but I'd tried to beat the rush by coming hours earlier. It didn't help.

At 7:15 p.m., they told me to come to the back because they finally had a place for me. Not in a treatment area exactly, but in the "ortho" room, where they put casts on. I was in such pain and exhausted by then, that I was getting a little testy. At 9:45 p.m., Dr. Justin Heller, a plastic surgery resident training a rotating lady resident from Brazil, came to my 'room'. From the top, I told him the whole story, showed him the write-up that Jewish did, and since he could not locate my new X-rays, he used mine from Jewish Hospital, apologizing that I would have to pay for the new ones anyway. He did the expected tests, and seemed to be leaning towards me having surgery right away, maybe eveb that very night, but about midnight, he admitted he would have to call in his superior to get the ok and a second opinion from him. He seemed very nervous about this decision, but left to go make the call. The nurse had brought me single pain pill, a 30 mg codeine pill about 11 p.m. Dr. Heller told me that the other Dr. was coming in, but that he was not happy about it. He started to explain, then trailed off. About 12:30 a.m., Dr. Alex Nyugen, plastic surgeon came in. He was completely rude to me as if I had personally picked this moment to wake him up. Why was I here so late, he asked accusingly, why did I wait so long? I explained, or started to, that I'd been there since Friday morning, but he never really heard my answer.

He re-examined my very painful hand and seemed to be much more rough in his manipulations than necessary. I was in tears, but he was unmoved. My friend was getting angry at this treatment, but I stayed him from saying anything. Then they all three had a conference just outside my room. I could hear how angry he was at the junior resident. Then he came back into the room and said he didn't believe any tendons were cut, that I only had nerve damage. And then he said he wouldn't operate on me at all anyway, unless I could prove that I had quit smoking for a month, cold turkey, no [atches, no gum, nothing. I was shocked. I had certainly reduced my smoking to less than 5 cigarettes a day since this happened, and that in fact just before my sister passed away I had quit for a week. I had finished a program with Chantix ( a medication for smoking cessation), that I'd saved up to get. But I'd not been strong in the face of my sister's death and all the smokers of Ky in my family.

I told him I would do my level best, but I could not imagine that Jewish Hospital's diagnosis couldn't be that far off and that he must be mistaken. He was quite pissed about that and grabbed my hand and wiggled it around some more, making me cry out again,and yes, my thumb wiggled a bit, as it had before with Dr. Heller's exam, but only in a small way and only in one direction. It was all flexor tendon damage not adductor tendons...just as Jewish had said and I had the audacity to repeat - out loud. Dr. Nyugen then ceased talking to me at all. He barked at the other two Drs. to give me a new plaster splint, which they did nervously, and poorly. They were supposed to support the thumb in a particular way, but they did the forming of it over the sink instead of over the thumb and the padding was put on by the Brazilian woman, who apparently had never applied a band-aid, let alone a cast. I think she appreciated the tips I gave her for the padding and how to wrap an Ace bandage. But it did not fit at all and caused unbearable pain since the thumb part was twisted out and downward in a very awkward way. I took it off before I got to the car. I couldn't bear it. And they left the stitches in too.

Dr Asshole-Alex Nyugen left, and Dr. Heller came back to tell me I now had an appointment with the Ortho clinic there for August 13th, to determine if I really needed surgery. I couldn't believe my ears. Then he wrote a prescription for 30 more of the little codiene tablets. I asked him about neurontin or something for the nerve pain and he said the clinic would have to do that. Then he wrote the prescription on the wrong paper form. The next day, while I literally rolled aroubd and rocked myself in agony, my friend Randy went back to the hospital to explain they had written a narcotic script on the wrong form and that no pharmacy would fill it. It took him 9 hours at the ER to get them to correct their mistake. And then they wrote it for 40 Tylenol#3s, which is less effective for me. I guess the 10 extra pills was to make up for that boo-boo. At any rate at every 4 hours for pain, they would not have lasted til the appointment anyway. Idiots, even I can count.

Then I called the Patient Advocates on Monday. They did see some reason to my argument and moved my appointment up to Thursday July 30. The clinic dr. scheduled the surgery for Aug 7th. They left the stitches in too. By now, the stitches were driving me crazy with additional pain, so I took them out myself in Saturday, and the little wound finished closing nicely before Aug 7th. I tried again to explain why they should do it sooner and though they again agreed with Jewish's diagnosis now, I would simply have to wait. Then they tried to delay my surgery again the next day because my sugar test came back kind of high (250, right after eating, tricksy for their part). They said if I did not have a full-scale diabetes plan in place and meds by the next Tuesday afternoon, they would delay the surgery again. I didn't officially have diabetes as of yet, but told my endocrinologist I must have it so she (for $300) wrote me a note saying I was on a plan and gave me a prescription for metformin. That made the clinic happy, so we were back on for surgery on Friday August 7th.

I had the out-patient surgery, and pleased to meet the pleasant chief surgeon and attending physician, Dr. Sean Bidic. However, as soon as I came out into the recovery room, with a snotty, moralistic attitude, Dr. Del Puerto, a resident of UT Southwestern Medical school(? - thought they only had one?), told me that I could just count on having to have a second surgery for the tendons cut and damaged in my thumb, because I HAD WAITED TOO LONG TO GET THIS SURGERY DONE AND IT HAD SCARRED ALREADY! HE SAID I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER AND HAD IT DONE SOONER BECAUSE NOW THEY MAY NOT BE ABLE TO REPAIR IT TO FULL FUNCTIONALITY! I made him repeat that statement 3 times. He did so thinking I was too drugged or something and didn't understand him or his South American accent (Brazilian/Portugese again, I think). I was not that drugged up.

In fact I was pretty damn straight.

I am so angry now, and I really look forward to my surgery followup visit this coming Thursday, Aug 20th (seemed a long tme to wait). The new cast is also amateurishly made and has been quite irritating. I hope they remove it. I have many more stitches now and the scar is over 3.5 to 4 inches long. They have waited 2 weeks to even look at it and it will cost me more money I don't have. I don't know if I have a lawsuit or not, but for the first time in my life, I want to. I wanted to be a hand surgeon or any kind of surgeon, when I volunteered all those years ago. But I don't I have the necessary coldness or ineptitude to be a surgeon in this day and age. I can't wait to see what they'll blame me for next.
Will I, Havoth, haveth more surgery? Who knows? I might get a witch doctor. Or do it myself. I could wing it. It's cheap and might be more effective.
- Havoth