Posted here and on LJ

For the moment, I'm posting here cause you guys may have forgotten me.

As Megan says, I have many suitors. It's interesting and entertaining. But I'm starting to want to settle down and date somebody for more than a night. LOL. But since I can't seem to find what I need/want (as soon as I figure out what THAT is) in one package, I'm juggling 2-3. The third position is open, anyone can apply. As soon as I find one person with all of these diverse qualities, I'm theirs for as long as it's good.

About the getting kicked out thing: I should have known. Alan and Cricket told me some things that weren't necessarily so about the landlord here. And the landlord here is in major pain and on major mind-blowing drugs everyday. And he's bitchy. Really bitchy. And somewhat schizo. I thought I was supposed to help him out every now and then. But he said no. Then while he's yelling at me because the kids are here swimming on July 4th he complains that I don't help him enough. So I try to do that. Then he yells at me that I should be warned that he is a potentially violent man and not to do that anymore. At this rate, he didn't have to ask me to leave. I'm leaving. He's a busybody and a little crazy and he hates hiphop. What more reason do I need? Yes, the place itself is sweet for one person, particularly if they are very quiet and don't have many friends. So, it wouldn't have worked out for Megan either. No matter how solicitous of his needs we were.

About my new single life: I just spent my 21st wedding anniversary (still technically married) with my ex's girlfriend out to dinner at SaltGrass Steakhouse. Had a great time. It's scary how close we could be. I look forward to when it's not so new that she is who she is and we met how we met, and we can just relax and be friends. Alan replaced me with an only slightly different version of me. And I'm easy to get along with. And so is she. I look forward to when I can spend more than an hour in Alan's presence and not get sad or mad at him for wasting so much of my time on him.

But I knew it. I didn't want to admit it. But even he said it, he was never what I needed. I found an old tangible journal that I'd quite effectively hidden from myself 5 years ago, a complete prediction of this whole thing. I knew it was coming. So, I hunkered down and waited. But the most interesting and poignant thing I wrote was this: “No heart is as broken as your own when you deny it everything it needs."

Think on that one for yourselves. It stunned me. I had forgotten I'd wrote it.

I have been denying my heart what it needed for so long, that it was a masochistic habit. I practically forgot what I want anyway. I'm not doing that ever again. I'm not apologizing anymore for who I am or what I want. If I want a job, I'll get a job. If I want three lovers, I'll have them. And they will know, because they either want me as I am, or not at all. I'm not lying to anybody. The transition is taking some months. So the fuck what? I spent 20+ years accommodating my self to what someone else was comfortable with and only allowed myself to be my self, when no one was looking. It may take me a little while to develop the new habit of being my self in front of people. All the time. And if I lose a few friends/acquaintances along the way because they discover they don't like me after all, well, chances are, I'll make new ones. I'll miss the old ones, but it will be their choice.

As for what I want: It's variable. The first instinct is to go back and look at what you wanted as a kid, then as a teen, then as an adult. The problems come at first because some of those things aren't going to be available to me anymore. I get over that and then I re-define. Wants vs Needs. What do I want to be when I grow up? Hmmm....I'm not completely sure. Right now, I'm allowing myself to contemplate new possibilities. In careers, in relationships, in homes, I'm just sampling all I can get. I always did like buffets. The few people I talk to on a day to day basis, may perceive that I'm very lost or something. Or sad. Or whatever. It's yes and no. I've never been a free adult before. I've been a married mother my whole adult life (since I was 16 years old) and now the possibilities are endless. So if it looks funny to you, try to remember I've never shopped here before. I don't know all the aisles. Paths. Possibilities. I'm still browsing. Sampling. But I am at the core here so some things are easier to choose than others. But some things I've never tried, so I don't know that I don't like them. I'll try anything once, and twice if I like it. I've said that forever. This is really the first time, I've lived it.

If some people are uncomfortable with that variety thing, well tough. I'm still fairly stable in most things. I still love those whom I said "I love you" to. I'm still a loyal person. I'm still honoring the things I believe are worth honoring. I still dance by myself just because I can. But I dance everywhere now. While it seems that I might be hopeful and optimistic one day and not the next, well that emotional roller coaster thing is settling down too. But in general, I'm optimistic. I'm still me. I'm just getting to know parts of me I buried for a long time. But it's still me. I'm still a good listener. I'm still introspective. I'm able to express verbally what most people won't. I'm still fearless in facing my fears. How many do that so honestly?

Havoth
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