Am I dating??

Ok. Let's see. Previous post mentions men and making out. First was a bit of a flake, but cute and a good kisser. Not much beyond that.

But hmmm, L.F.(names will be changed to protect the innocent, not that anybody is really innocent...) is turning into someone special. Very possibly a good friend to know. A manly man. ooooofff....not a gut check, again! Damn it, I AM attracted to the strong ones. But it is very laid back and a very good start for me. He smells like oranges or TripleSec. I had no idea that scent meant sex to me. I knew that the scent of the skin of a person is deeply important to me on an instinctual, animistic level, but then again, my first husband, who beat the crap out of me, among other cruel and unusual things, smelled good. I'm not talking about cologne here. And Alan, also smells good to me, but we all know where that went.

I worried for a bit that I would feel a desperate need to be somebody's numero uno, but I really don't. I'm very surprised by that. It feels clean and clear in a detached, amused sort of way that allows me to be affectionate with the object of my desire, but not lose my mind and heart over it. I believe he feels similarly. I'm not sure about that and I'm not using my gifts to look any deeper into his feelings at the moment. And at the moment, that's just fine. He's more than a notch on my lipstick case, and less than a boyfriend. It's all good. And the Tarot says it's for my artistic inspiration. I'll take that any day of the week.

Besides, deep down, I know where my heart is and might still be. And Alan may still possess it, and he may have killed it. I don't know. I'm not allowed visits with it. I'm not allowed to tongue that wound, check for blood, apply novocaine to the painful hole, or repair any damages. I'm not sure that I could or would want to. I feel pretty cut off from my heart, my capacity to LOVE right now. I can be devoted, loyal, affectionate, like a friendly, starving mutt dog, but not in LOVE with capital letters, not now and probably not for a long time. Someone else is going to have to make 'the grand gesture' and rescue the princess, next time. But I'd meet them on the bridge to the castle keep, maybe.

Oh well, enough pontificating! I have much stuff to do. Vet for Meep, get car stuff taken care of, finish getting ready for the journey of a lifetime. Whew! Look out world, cause here I come!

Ciao, babies!